Listen now (48 min) | In episode 80, Chris and Emma talked with Heather Anne Keyes, a neuroqueer Gestalt psychotherapist and educator based in Durango, Mexico. Together, we explore the intersections between sexuality, neurodivergence, and development through the lens of Dąbrowski’s theory of positive disintegration.
How does one address the possibility of STDs in non-monogamous relationships? Do you have everybody get tested before you sleep with them? It sounds confusing. And then you have to trust that all of your multiple partners are telling you the truth. Even if they tested negative when you first started seeing each other, how do you know they are making sure that all of their partners get tested?
Obviously, this brings up trust. But even if I’m willing to trust somebody, that doesn’t mean that they are trustworthy. Or that one of the partners that they select is trustworthy.
Thank you for this, Rachel! These are great questions about real concerns that people in ethical non-monogamy communities take seriously. From what I understand, the ethical part means ongoing communication and transparency, not just one-time checks. From a search, I learned that it includes regular STI testing for everyone involved, sharing results openly, consistent protection use, and explicit agreements about risk tolerance and new partners.
Hopefully, others will chime in with more thoughts. I appreciate you asking, because honestly, this isn't my lived experience (I've been with my partner for 25 years). I'm grateful Heather shared her expertise on the podcast to help me better understand these dynamics.
How does one EVER know whether someone is trustworthy? While I appreciate your concern and don’t want to be too harsh, I think that any conscious relationship really requires individuals to be at a fairly high level of development. I’m 52 and only now reaching a point where I think I could manage the kind of conscious relationship to which I’ve always aspired. (I’m a relationship anarchist at heart, but that has looked like being a serial (relatively short-term) monogamist.) Most of us simply didn’t have models growing up.
I’m not trying to suggest you’re not evolved! Your concern about STDs is valid. I just think that trust, discernment, and emotional maturity go far deeper. I can see now how my own dating behavior was reckless, emotionally, for myself and my partners—and relationships have always been an intense “special interest” for me! Dating and relationships are messy. I look at ethical non-monogamy with some wariness because, while I share the general philosophy, I believe it’s extremely difficult to achieve in practice. (I’m still in training, lol…) Adults get hurt; sometimes, kids get hurt. But isn’t that also true within state-sanctioned marriages?
Thank you for weighing in here, Heather! These are such important questions, and I really appreciate both of you engaging with this so thoughtfully. I'm going to hold off weighing in substantially right now because I'm buried in moving boxes and don't have the capacity to do this conversation justice. I also want to give Emma and our guest, Heather, space to respond, since they can speak to this with much more depth than I can from under my cardboard mountain.
But I'm definitely following along and grateful for this dialogue. More soon when I can think straight!
Certainly, we are taking a risk everytime we become intimate with anybody, physically or emotionally. But dealing with one person who may or may not be trustworthy is a whole lot different than having an Excel spreadsheet to manage them all. Lol.
Don’t get me wrong, I applaud anyone who is living their best life. I’m just wondering about the logistics. I don’t feel comfortable, rolling the dice when there are things like syphilis, herpes, and HIV out there. And, of course, if you pick the wrong partner,… Doesn’t matter if you were monogamous or not.
How does one address the possibility of STDs in non-monogamous relationships? Do you have everybody get tested before you sleep with them? It sounds confusing. And then you have to trust that all of your multiple partners are telling you the truth. Even if they tested negative when you first started seeing each other, how do you know they are making sure that all of their partners get tested?
Obviously, this brings up trust. But even if I’m willing to trust somebody, that doesn’t mean that they are trustworthy. Or that one of the partners that they select is trustworthy.
Thank you for this, Rachel! These are great questions about real concerns that people in ethical non-monogamy communities take seriously. From what I understand, the ethical part means ongoing communication and transparency, not just one-time checks. From a search, I learned that it includes regular STI testing for everyone involved, sharing results openly, consistent protection use, and explicit agreements about risk tolerance and new partners.
Hopefully, others will chime in with more thoughts. I appreciate you asking, because honestly, this isn't my lived experience (I've been with my partner for 25 years). I'm grateful Heather shared her expertise on the podcast to help me better understand these dynamics.
You’re welcome, Chris! I hope you can dig yourself out of the cardboard avalanche soon.
How does one EVER know whether someone is trustworthy? While I appreciate your concern and don’t want to be too harsh, I think that any conscious relationship really requires individuals to be at a fairly high level of development. I’m 52 and only now reaching a point where I think I could manage the kind of conscious relationship to which I’ve always aspired. (I’m a relationship anarchist at heart, but that has looked like being a serial (relatively short-term) monogamist.) Most of us simply didn’t have models growing up.
I’m not trying to suggest you’re not evolved! Your concern about STDs is valid. I just think that trust, discernment, and emotional maturity go far deeper. I can see now how my own dating behavior was reckless, emotionally, for myself and my partners—and relationships have always been an intense “special interest” for me! Dating and relationships are messy. I look at ethical non-monogamy with some wariness because, while I share the general philosophy, I believe it’s extremely difficult to achieve in practice. (I’m still in training, lol…) Adults get hurt; sometimes, kids get hurt. But isn’t that also true within state-sanctioned marriages?
Thank you for weighing in here, Heather! These are such important questions, and I really appreciate both of you engaging with this so thoughtfully. I'm going to hold off weighing in substantially right now because I'm buried in moving boxes and don't have the capacity to do this conversation justice. I also want to give Emma and our guest, Heather, space to respond, since they can speak to this with much more depth than I can from under my cardboard mountain.
But I'm definitely following along and grateful for this dialogue. More soon when I can think straight!
Certainly, we are taking a risk everytime we become intimate with anybody, physically or emotionally. But dealing with one person who may or may not be trustworthy is a whole lot different than having an Excel spreadsheet to manage them all. Lol.
Don’t get me wrong, I applaud anyone who is living their best life. I’m just wondering about the logistics. I don’t feel comfortable, rolling the dice when there are things like syphilis, herpes, and HIV out there. And, of course, if you pick the wrong partner,… Doesn’t matter if you were monogamous or not.
Can't wait to listen!
I can’t wait to hear what you think, Robin!