I try not to waste time on regret, but if I could go back in time, I wish had pursued a career in academics so that I could make a living spending my time studying and teaching things like this.
Instead, I pursued creativity. I thought I hated school and wanted to get out of it as quickly as possible—but what I actually hated was being evaluated on work that was assigned to me. Unfortunately, the creative path ended up exploiting me, chewing me up, and spitting me out. I didn’t want to charm, network, or manipulate. I wanted to learn, grow, understand, and express myself.
Most notably to your piece, it reinforced horrific beliefs about myself. That I wasn’t good enough, that I asked for too much, and that my constant yearning for more was the result of mental illness—an irrational, voracious hunger for treatment that was unreasonable to expect. This resulted in a psychological collapse that I called my “brain crash” for years, but now thanks to you, I know what I’ve been experiencing is positive disintegration.
Whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing, I think your work is lighting the way. Thank you.
I’m moved by your words and the clarity with which you name that deep hunger for understanding, meaning, and real connection. It’s heartbreaking how often our creative drive and sensitivity get misread as pathology. I know that territory well, and I’m so grateful that the framework of positive disintegration is giving you language and validation for what you’ve been through.
You are doing meaningful work. Just in naming these truths, you’re making space for others to find themselves too. I’m honored that my writing has helped light the way. Please keep going. You’re not alone!
I love the way you present yourself in the picture. Fully self-accepting!
Thank you, Robin! I’m so glad it comes through. 🥰
I try not to waste time on regret, but if I could go back in time, I wish had pursued a career in academics so that I could make a living spending my time studying and teaching things like this.
Instead, I pursued creativity. I thought I hated school and wanted to get out of it as quickly as possible—but what I actually hated was being evaluated on work that was assigned to me. Unfortunately, the creative path ended up exploiting me, chewing me up, and spitting me out. I didn’t want to charm, network, or manipulate. I wanted to learn, grow, understand, and express myself.
Most notably to your piece, it reinforced horrific beliefs about myself. That I wasn’t good enough, that I asked for too much, and that my constant yearning for more was the result of mental illness—an irrational, voracious hunger for treatment that was unreasonable to expect. This resulted in a psychological collapse that I called my “brain crash” for years, but now thanks to you, I know what I’ve been experiencing is positive disintegration.
Whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing, I think your work is lighting the way. Thank you.
Lindsay, this means more than I can say. 🙏
I’m moved by your words and the clarity with which you name that deep hunger for understanding, meaning, and real connection. It’s heartbreaking how often our creative drive and sensitivity get misread as pathology. I know that territory well, and I’m so grateful that the framework of positive disintegration is giving you language and validation for what you’ve been through.
You are doing meaningful work. Just in naming these truths, you’re making space for others to find themselves too. I’m honored that my writing has helped light the way. Please keep going. You’re not alone!
Thank you. I'm not crying, you're crying. 🥹
So glad you shared this Chris! I loved the window into your presentation.
Thank you for reading, Marni!