Practicing Pronouns

Tips for allies using they/them pronouns with our non-binary friends

Working with Chris on the podcast has been an amazing experience, and it has bloomed into a beautiful friendship. During this time, Chris has come out as non-binary, and has spoken about their experiences on the podcast.

To honour my friend, I use they/them, and try my hardest not to slip into misgendering. But it takes time and practice. So, if you’re struggling with changing your language as an ally—know that you’re not alone. 

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Pronouns and Positive Disintegration

It takes practice, and the will to keep trying—that’s the main point. When you mess up, apologise, and keep trying. Like we do with our personal development under the theory of positive disintegration, keep striving to do better, and don’t beat yourself up when the journey is imperfect.

And really, when you are an ally trying to do the right thing, changing the way you use pronouns is a form of positive disintegration!

You are unlearning and disintegrating everything about pronouns you thought you knew. You are discarding the bits which are “less like you” (misgendering people and causing harm), and giving conscious thought to how things “ought to be” (being a pronoun pro). Then you are embarking on a journey of behavioural change to “walk your talk” and be more like your authentic ally self.

However, to help you on your journey—I do have some tips. So without further ado, let’s charge straight in!

Tally Ho! To the Tips!

Some of them come from my experience with wonderful non-binary friends, like Chris. Some of them come from the workplace, where de-gendering is deemed the professional approach. My tips below have the aim of doing three things:

• Reduce the number of pronouns you use

• Change to non-gendered terms

• Become more comfortable using “they/them”

Use first names

My grandmother always said to me—Who is “She”? The cat’s mother? 

It’s an old British saying. It’s used to reprimand kids who “disrespectfully” refer to women by “She" rather than their name or an appropriate title (like Mother, Gran, Aunty etc). You’re not supposed to say, “She is coming to visit,” you’re supposed to say, “Gran is coming to visit”. Otherwise you’ll get a reprimand.

So, in some circles (mostly British ones, and business ones) referring to people (particularly in their presence) by a pronoun, and not their first name... is a bit rude! Personally, I try to avoid pronouns of anyone in their presence. It just feels wrong to be talking about them like they’re not there. And let’s face it, accidentally misgendering someone in front of them is probably the hotspot of awkwardness right?

TIP: Just use first names. The less you use pronouns, the less likely you are to slip up at any point. Plus, you don’t want the English to think you’re rude...

NOTE: Of all my tips, this is honestly the best one and easiest one to employ. That’s why it’s first.

Talk “about” less, and “to” more

On that note of misgendering people in front of them, it begs the question of “why are we talking about them, and not to them?” Again, talking about them like they’re not in the room.

Think about it—you’ll mostly use a pronoun when you talk about Person A to Person B. But if Person A is standing right there… Why can’t they speak for themselves? Why aren’t we addressing them directly? I know in the flow of convo, it’s easy to get sucked into, but this is something I actively try and avoid.

TIP: Talk to people, not about them. Think about why you feel the need to talk about someone, especially when you’re right in front of them. 

NOTE: This situation often comes up where you are the “designated storyteller” and telling a tale of mutual adventure to a third party. If this is the case, refer back to Tip 1, and revert to first names: “So, Joe said… and then I said….” Trust me, it makes storytelling a lot clearer to the listener anyway.

Contextual musing from personal experience:

At work, talking on someone’s behalf is a big slap in the face. Unless it’s your manager giving an update on the progress of your entire team to some big meeting, people really should be asking you directly about your own work.

My mother still to this day will “speak on my behalf” when I'm right there, even when people have asked me a direct question. It drives me crackers. It’s insulting and infantilising, and it makes me absolutely bonkers.

Despite my experiences, I have found this somewhat challenging not to get trapped in to myself. So, if Person B asks me about Person A, I try and deflect this, by in turn asking Person A a direct question so they can speak for themself. This not only provides Person A some agency, but models good behaviours to Person B.

De-gender where possible

In the workplace, it is much more professional to use de-gendered terms. Like “chairperson,” instead of “chairman” or “chairwoman.” It’s a clear recognition that what is between your legs has nothing to do with your job capabilities.

Feminism started this practice, to be more inclusive of women in the workplace, and I’m personally very thankful for it. There’s nothing worse than having a team of women, and some male manager walks into a room and says, “Good Morning, Ladies!” (like my vagina has something to do with how I do my job, or it’s thanks to a penis that this manager got a position of authority).

The brilliant thing is that by using terms which assume neither gender or sexuality, it’s more professional, far more inclusive, and it means that you never have to swap your terms! So it’s easier to remember!

I never start an email with “Hi guys” or “Hi ladies / gents.” I always start with “Hi Everyone”. Not only is it more inclusive, but it works on all occasions. I don’t have to remember to adjust my email greeting. I’ve seen many versions of this “Hi” greeting used, including: All, Y’all, Folks, People, Team, Besties, (and my favourite work variants “Teamsies” and “Teamsicles”—we have a weird sense of humour, I know).

Partner, parent, friend, teammate, coworker, manager, student, children, siblings, niblings… the world is ripe with non-gendered terms for us to leverage.

My personal favourite is “Partner” when referring to someone’s significant other, because it makes no assumptions on gender, gender identity, sexuality, or marital status. It works just as well for hetero couples wanting to avoid the “you’re not married?” question, as it does for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Being inclusive means including everyone. And when we do this, often everyone wins.

TIP: Get into the habit of de-gendering. You’re going to create a far more inclusive space for everyone concerned. And it’ll be easier to remember.

Speak like a writer

You know, often if we wrote the way we spoke, it’d be really boring. Try taking out pronouns of how you speak, in the same way you might do in writing.

If we wrote: “he said that, and then she did this, and then she said to him…” it’d suck as a reader. Sometimes there are better ways of expressing things, or even shorter ways of expressing things. When it comes to communicating in text, we are normally clearer and more concise, because we innately understand that clarity gets a little lost in text form.

So if someone asked me: “Did Alex say when he’d/she’d be back?”

I could be lazy and say: “No, she/he didn’t say when she’d/he’d be back.”

Or I could say: “Alex didn’t say,” or simply, “No.”

TIP: Imagine you’re dictating an email or something in writing, and it’ll change the way you talk…

Imagine that you don’t know

Are you having trouble imaging a person you know outside of a gendered construct? Then try imaging you met them online, and have never actually seen them in the flesh.

Often at work, I don’t know the gender / gender identity of the person on the other end of an email. This is especially true when dealing with offshore teams, where I’m culturally oblivious to names. But it can also apply to many of the colourful and quirky user names you see on social media, or in the online gaming world.

TIP: Just imagine that you don’t know this person outside of the online realm. You’ve never seen them in the flesh. They have never told you their pronouns, and you don’t know their gender. (See what I did there?…)

Practice “they” in reference to a role

One big thing I hear from people struggling to use “they/them” in reference to an individual, is that it seems weird to use it for a single person (and not in the plural). But we do it all the time, when we refer to people by roles.

In business, we always refer to a role, as “they/them.” So you have a bunch of roles like “The Project Manager” and “The Business Analyst” and “The Sponsor”—and when talking about those roles, you always say “they/ them.” The Sponsor is not a “he.” The Project Manager is not a “she.” That’s just not how you’d speak or write about roles.

Doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers, construction workers—the list goes on. When we don’t know who is in a role, we say “they/them.” And you know what? We never bat an eyelid at using “they/them” in this context when referring to a singular person!

“My doctor said to me that they are going to do some tests, and they’ll call me when the results are in. I go back and see them next week…” Easier than you thought, isn’t it?

TIP: Practice talking about your theoretical doctor / lawyer / teacher. If you treated everyone like they were playing a role, you’ll use “they/them” as a singular automatically. Do this until your brain stops telling you that ridiculous plural nonsense, because according to the English language, singular is just fine.