Thank you so much for this. I'm right at the start of all this I think, I've been disintegrating, not always positively, for a few months now following a series of life-changing events. I've been journalling a lot, self-therapising, reflecting, reading, losing heart most days, then somehow getting through it and carrying on. Lots of very dark moments, lots of emotion that I struggle to deal with, lots of uncertainty that I really struggle to deal with, lots of circling around questions, revisiting, re-examining. Lots of asking, few answers. And nobody really to talk to about all this. I have a therapist for the first time in my life, but I seem to have spent most of the first few hours with her describing what I have already found out about myself. I don't know where to find the mentors/witnesses that you describe, but anything that might make me feel less alone right now would be, I think, a blessing. I'm a bit scared writing this. I've never done this in a public space before, and I'm bruised enough from trying to find someone who can hear all this from my friends, without success, that I am quite wary right now.
Mark, thank you for the courage it took to share this here. You're not alone in this terrain, even when it feels achingly solitary. What you describe (the circling, the uncertainty, the emotional overwhelm, the search for someone who can truly hear you) is deeply familiar to many of us who have lived through periods of disintegration.
It's not a linear path, and it rarely feels "positive" while you're in it. But the work you're doing (journaling, questioning, reflecting) is critical. You're in the thick of something profound, and you're still showing up for yourself. That matters more than you may realize right now.
As for mentors or witnesses: they're not always easy to find, and they don't always look like we expect them to. Sometimes they show up in unexpected forms. Sometimes, for stretches of time, we become our own best witness through the very practices you're already doing. And sometimes, spaces like this (where others are wrestling with similar questions) can offer exactly the resonance we need.
Your comment touched me. I get what you are trying to do and it is daunting. I've been down these roads before and I'm still on them. That is, a Positive Disintegration doesn't "cure" you once and for all; rather, it is a a way of describing and giving a (hopefully) meaningful framework the challenges and journeys we all undergo in a lifetime. And perhaps providing tools that may be handy in future disintegrations.
To use a broad metaphor, one positive disintegration occurs as you are climbing a mountain. It can help you get to your objective. Yet (speaking as a climber and alpinist), getting to the top is half the climb. The other half is getting back down. During which other challenges may arise for which positive disintegration may be helpful. And we often have many mountains in our lives, not just one.
I have found that a "bit scared" is often a good space to be in. It shows you don't have all the answers (or are pretending to have them). Yet you are taking a step onto the path. This is "brave vulnerability," a word pair that may seem like an oxymoron, but really go hand in hand.
You will find others who can and will want to witness you. I think you may already have. And even if you don't believe that yet, you have shown up and are trying to travel, however tentatively, along the path. In a way, you are your own witness. And that is an important perspective to cultivate too. The others you meet along the way can support and bolster what you see: the genuine beauty of your core self that is trying to emerge from its cocoon.
Thank you Chris and Eric for your kind words. Things are pretty tough right now, and the sometimes dispassionate language around positive disintegration sits sometimes awkwardly with the frankly horrible thoughts that circle around me far too often. I'm trying to deal with a divorce, a relationship breakup, retirement, new sobriety and the realisation that I am nothing like as neurotypical as I assumed I was, all at the same time. I guess it's not surprising that I'm finding it all hard. Dabrovski's ideas are helping to create a shape around it all, but as you both know, diagnosis is not cure, and there probably isn't one anyway! It's all self-witnessing at the moment, but I've come up with a variation on Internal Family Systems therapy which is helping me - I'm working on a Substack post about it. Hobbits may be involved... Thanks again, it's good to know that others have been on this steep path before.
Mark, I’m so glad you came back to share more. That is an immense amount to be navigating all at once, and it makes sense that the language of theory can feel thin and inadequate beside the rawness of lived experience. That tracks so much with what I’ve been thinking about lately, which is how it’s taken me years to find a voice that can hold both, and how slow that process has felt. What you’re holding is human, and it’s heavy.
I love that you’re shaping your own variation on IFS, and that hobbits might make an appearance. I firmly believe that creativity and self-invention are part of what makes this kind of work survivable. Writing about it can be such a powerful way to keep witnessing yourself and, in time, invite others into that witness role too. I’ll be looking forward to reading your post.
Mark, I love how you’ve made this your own. The hobbits are such a warm, relatable way to give voice to your parts, and the Picture Librarian, Loyal Friend, and Pattern Maker all brought real insight. I know from my own history of addiction how overwhelming it can be when strong emotions return, and how much it matters to find a way to work with them. I am wishing you all the best on your journey. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏
Hi Mark, I appreciate what you've expressed with your post! Both Hobbits and IFS are in my radar's field of perception. I get that. What I love is that you are finding a way to take elements of systems and create something that is helpful to you as a unique soul. The prevailing culture can become enamored with "one size fits all" solutions. Rather, I prefer a framing that sees there are many varied paths to "get to Rome." Sometimes, we have to make our own trails.
And the Theory of Positive Disintegration seems to work well as a framework for those of us trying to find our way off the beaten path. There's a comforting beauty to knowing that we can find a way; still, it's complex and laborious at times. As Rilke wrote of this life, "You just keep going."
Know that you are certainly not alone in sorting out the intertwined complexities of your life. There are many of us out there. That you are aware (the witnessing part) is a huge milestone. You'll find a way.
I'm kind of relieved you don't think I'm slightly mad, with the hobbits and all...! The whole witnessing thing is interesting, and it's just occurred to me that you can't be witnessed unless you can be seen. Now that sounds blindingly obvious, but for me I think it means that unless I express myself, and that means being a little vulnerable, then no-one will witness me. Which I guess is part of what this writing here is all about. As well as finding which of my own friends and family can be there for me.
Thank you for asking these questions. It's funny the parallels between your journey as a seeker and mine. I was blessed with a therapist who acted like this kind of mentor. She allowed me to wrestle with the questions without rushing to answers. When I felt like I was being bombarded with non-ordinary information and afraid I would forget something "important", she told me the universe would always bring it back if it was truly important and I could safely come into the present moment with something unwritten or some insight left open. That was powerful. And she inspired me to want to be that kind of witness for others. I wish the nonprofit mental health community understood the power of this to validate and allow a person to find their own truth. Ironically your question comes at a time when the agency wants to know, with some verifiable data, how I connect with clients who have found traditional evidence based practices challenging. This witnessing, this mentoring, this person first and formula second, is the real truth, but that is nothing I can explain. My own lived experience is a guide and my own sense of inner authority and universal cultural humility for the inner world of each unique person
It’s powerful to hear how your therapist made space for your own unfolding without rushing to fix or explain. That kind of presence is rare and so needed. I feel the same tension you describe with systems that want data over depth. But the truth is, what you offer is the work: showing up with humility, honoring each person’s inner world, and trusting what emerges. That kind of witnessing can’t be measured, but it absolutely matters. ❤️
Thank you so much for this. I'm right at the start of all this I think, I've been disintegrating, not always positively, for a few months now following a series of life-changing events. I've been journalling a lot, self-therapising, reflecting, reading, losing heart most days, then somehow getting through it and carrying on. Lots of very dark moments, lots of emotion that I struggle to deal with, lots of uncertainty that I really struggle to deal with, lots of circling around questions, revisiting, re-examining. Lots of asking, few answers. And nobody really to talk to about all this. I have a therapist for the first time in my life, but I seem to have spent most of the first few hours with her describing what I have already found out about myself. I don't know where to find the mentors/witnesses that you describe, but anything that might make me feel less alone right now would be, I think, a blessing. I'm a bit scared writing this. I've never done this in a public space before, and I'm bruised enough from trying to find someone who can hear all this from my friends, without success, that I am quite wary right now.
Mark, thank you for the courage it took to share this here. You're not alone in this terrain, even when it feels achingly solitary. What you describe (the circling, the uncertainty, the emotional overwhelm, the search for someone who can truly hear you) is deeply familiar to many of us who have lived through periods of disintegration.
It's not a linear path, and it rarely feels "positive" while you're in it. But the work you're doing (journaling, questioning, reflecting) is critical. You're in the thick of something profound, and you're still showing up for yourself. That matters more than you may realize right now.
As for mentors or witnesses: they're not always easy to find, and they don't always look like we expect them to. Sometimes they show up in unexpected forms. Sometimes, for stretches of time, we become our own best witness through the very practices you're already doing. And sometimes, spaces like this (where others are wrestling with similar questions) can offer exactly the resonance we need.
Thank you again for sharing your voice here. 🙏
Mark,
Your comment touched me. I get what you are trying to do and it is daunting. I've been down these roads before and I'm still on them. That is, a Positive Disintegration doesn't "cure" you once and for all; rather, it is a a way of describing and giving a (hopefully) meaningful framework the challenges and journeys we all undergo in a lifetime. And perhaps providing tools that may be handy in future disintegrations.
To use a broad metaphor, one positive disintegration occurs as you are climbing a mountain. It can help you get to your objective. Yet (speaking as a climber and alpinist), getting to the top is half the climb. The other half is getting back down. During which other challenges may arise for which positive disintegration may be helpful. And we often have many mountains in our lives, not just one.
I have found that a "bit scared" is often a good space to be in. It shows you don't have all the answers (or are pretending to have them). Yet you are taking a step onto the path. This is "brave vulnerability," a word pair that may seem like an oxymoron, but really go hand in hand.
You will find others who can and will want to witness you. I think you may already have. And even if you don't believe that yet, you have shown up and are trying to travel, however tentatively, along the path. In a way, you are your own witness. And that is an important perspective to cultivate too. The others you meet along the way can support and bolster what you see: the genuine beauty of your core self that is trying to emerge from its cocoon.
Thank you Chris and Eric for your kind words. Things are pretty tough right now, and the sometimes dispassionate language around positive disintegration sits sometimes awkwardly with the frankly horrible thoughts that circle around me far too often. I'm trying to deal with a divorce, a relationship breakup, retirement, new sobriety and the realisation that I am nothing like as neurotypical as I assumed I was, all at the same time. I guess it's not surprising that I'm finding it all hard. Dabrovski's ideas are helping to create a shape around it all, but as you both know, diagnosis is not cure, and there probably isn't one anyway! It's all self-witnessing at the moment, but I've come up with a variation on Internal Family Systems therapy which is helping me - I'm working on a Substack post about it. Hobbits may be involved... Thanks again, it's good to know that others have been on this steep path before.
Mark, I’m so glad you came back to share more. That is an immense amount to be navigating all at once, and it makes sense that the language of theory can feel thin and inadequate beside the rawness of lived experience. That tracks so much with what I’ve been thinking about lately, which is how it’s taken me years to find a voice that can hold both, and how slow that process has felt. What you’re holding is human, and it’s heavy.
I love that you’re shaping your own variation on IFS, and that hobbits might make an appearance. I firmly believe that creativity and self-invention are part of what makes this kind of work survivable. Writing about it can be such a powerful way to keep witnessing yourself and, in time, invite others into that witness role too. I’ll be looking forward to reading your post.
Here's the hobbit therapy post...https://open.substack.com/pub/amatkbatey/p/my-therapist-is-a-room-full-of-hobbits?r=1wul7p&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Mark, I love how you’ve made this your own. The hobbits are such a warm, relatable way to give voice to your parts, and the Picture Librarian, Loyal Friend, and Pattern Maker all brought real insight. I know from my own history of addiction how overwhelming it can be when strong emotions return, and how much it matters to find a way to work with them. I am wishing you all the best on your journey. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏
Hi Mark, I appreciate what you've expressed with your post! Both Hobbits and IFS are in my radar's field of perception. I get that. What I love is that you are finding a way to take elements of systems and create something that is helpful to you as a unique soul. The prevailing culture can become enamored with "one size fits all" solutions. Rather, I prefer a framing that sees there are many varied paths to "get to Rome." Sometimes, we have to make our own trails.
And the Theory of Positive Disintegration seems to work well as a framework for those of us trying to find our way off the beaten path. There's a comforting beauty to knowing that we can find a way; still, it's complex and laborious at times. As Rilke wrote of this life, "You just keep going."
Know that you are certainly not alone in sorting out the intertwined complexities of your life. There are many of us out there. That you are aware (the witnessing part) is a huge milestone. You'll find a way.
I'm kind of relieved you don't think I'm slightly mad, with the hobbits and all...! The whole witnessing thing is interesting, and it's just occurred to me that you can't be witnessed unless you can be seen. Now that sounds blindingly obvious, but for me I think it means that unless I express myself, and that means being a little vulnerable, then no-one will witness me. Which I guess is part of what this writing here is all about. As well as finding which of my own friends and family can be there for me.
Thank you for asking these questions. It's funny the parallels between your journey as a seeker and mine. I was blessed with a therapist who acted like this kind of mentor. She allowed me to wrestle with the questions without rushing to answers. When I felt like I was being bombarded with non-ordinary information and afraid I would forget something "important", she told me the universe would always bring it back if it was truly important and I could safely come into the present moment with something unwritten or some insight left open. That was powerful. And she inspired me to want to be that kind of witness for others. I wish the nonprofit mental health community understood the power of this to validate and allow a person to find their own truth. Ironically your question comes at a time when the agency wants to know, with some verifiable data, how I connect with clients who have found traditional evidence based practices challenging. This witnessing, this mentoring, this person first and formula second, is the real truth, but that is nothing I can explain. My own lived experience is a guide and my own sense of inner authority and universal cultural humility for the inner world of each unique person
Thank you so much for sharing this, Chris. 🙏
It’s powerful to hear how your therapist made space for your own unfolding without rushing to fix or explain. That kind of presence is rare and so needed. I feel the same tension you describe with systems that want data over depth. But the truth is, what you offer is the work: showing up with humility, honoring each person’s inner world, and trusting what emerges. That kind of witnessing can’t be measured, but it absolutely matters. ❤️