Positive Disintegration—80's Punk Rock Band or Theory?
Positive Disintegration—80's Punk Rock Band or Theory?
Guest post by Caitlin Hughes of Divergent Dialogues
Thank you, Caitlin, for sharing a guest post with our subscribers! Caitlin Hughes is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, Neurodivergent affirming therapist, researcher, podcast host of Divergent Dialogues and blogger. She lives in Brisbane, QLD, Australia.
2023 was full on—it was Positive Disintegration on steroids. Although, when 2023 started I didn't even know what Positive Disintegration was. Upon reflection, I barely knew who I was. There were so many parts of myself that were screaming out to be heard and understood. There were large parts of my identity waiting to be unearthed.
Throughout my life, I have accumulated a lot of labels. For me labels are important because it enables me to organise information about myself in my internal filing system. Words and their meaning have immense value to me, and I am often searching for the “right” words to convey my experiences. 2023 came with a bunch of new labels—Autistic, ADHD, Gifted.
It all started with an Autism assessment in late 2022. I was lucky to get an appointment just before Christmas due to a late cancellation, but then there was the gruelling wait over Christmas (and the gruelling Christmas). I had gone back and forth in my mind about whether I was Autistic, but by this stage, I was at least 80% certain—I had done my research. I had about a year to process that, so when it was confirmed, it was welcomed with open arms. I, however, was not ready for an ADHD diagnosis. The assessor said that in the first 5 minutes of meeting me, she knew I was an ADHDer. How could I, meeting myself on a daily basis for the last 31 years, not know this about myself? I had not consented to this new information. So, then it all started again—researching and reflecting over my life.
After my diagnoses there was a grief process that ensued. I wondered—what could have been if I had this information about myself earlier and I got the understanding and support I needed? How would it have impacted my relationships, education, and sense of self? Would I be in a different place in my life? Would I be a different person? I'll be honest—it got a bit existential.
In the midst of all of this, I somehow thought it was a great idea to address my trauma experiences in therapy. Facing my trauma was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I think that there were so many parts of myself that were stuck in level 3. One day on Tik Tok, I came across a video about Positive Disintegration, which led me to the Positive Disintegration podcast. At first, I thought it sounded like an 80's punk rock band, but turns out it was a bit more academic than that. I finally had a label for these recurring cycles that I had experienced in my life.
Although I found some solace in the Autism and ADHD online communities, as usual, I still felt "different." When I found out I was exceptionally gifted, it was the final puzzle piece that I felt was missing. I finally understood why I felt like an outlier my whole life and out of sync with others. Multi-exceptionality brought further nuance to my understanding of myself—explaining my experience of having stark strengths and challenges. Through understanding my profound sensual giftedness, I saw how my sensory differences, although overwhelming at times, allowed me to experience beauty in the world that others would never see, hear, smell, taste or feel. With a deeper understanding of my giftedness, I recognised how Positive Disintegration facilitated my continuous growth. My giftedness was the medium for my complexity and expanse of understanding, while my overexcitabilities were the intense driving force propelling me forward in life.
I wanted to share how I described the way my mind works when I underwent my giftedness assessment with InterGifted, mainly because I think it sounds cool:
It’s like I’m on the moon looking down at the earth and I have a telescope where I can move in and out of different lenses of understanding. Right down to the atom, to the cell, to biology, to nature, to people, to society, to geography and so on. I’m an observer and I feel of the earth but not in it. I can also move through time from past, present and future. From time to time, I go to earth to walk among the people to understand their ways of being and doing. To experience the wonders of what earth has to offer. To feel. I also see the tragedies and injustices, so I get back on my ship and go back to the moon. It’s too much sometimes. Sometimes I use my gravitational device to feel the rock beneath my body and just sit and watch the earth spin on its axis and sometimes I just float looking up at the stars and their magnificence and their mysteries. I wonder what made this all? I feel how small I am in all of this. From another's view I may be an atom. What is my purpose in all of this? I may never fully know.
I think I have had many disintegrations throughout my life. It’s hard to pinpoint when it all started. These usually occur when there is a gap between my being and doing. Each has taught me a difficult life lesson, and sometimes these lessons had to keep circling back around as I had to make the same mistakes until I “got” it, but unfortunately, I interpreted a lot in a negative light the first time around.
Due to my early childhood experiences, I think I had to shed a lot of anxieties, fears, unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours. I have had “inner conflict” for as long as I can remember, and I am incredibly introspective. I always strive to be a better self. I have always walked my own path despite great external pressures to conform. I have strived to be authentic and live and work in my values.
In my 20’s I think it was a bit back and forth. A few steps forward, a few steps back, sideways, forward, back again but always looking forward. Trial and error. Love and Loss. Struggling to let go of what I had clung onto and thought that I wanted from life even though it was making me unhappy and not the person who I really wanted to be. Shoving down parts of myself that I felt couldn’t exist. Trying to make others happy without looking after myself. So many times, I have had to be willing to walk through fire to be tempered and moulded into something stronger. To go to the deepest darkest places within myself. To face hard truths about myself and the world. I wanted to be better. I wanted to do better. It was a lonely path at times.
In my 30's it seems like now is the time I get to enjoy a lot of the hard work I have put into myself. The more authentically I live, the more my life seems to fall into place with ease. It has opened my eyes to all these lovely connections and opportunities that I never thought were possible. I understand now that I am forever going to be a work in progress and it's exciting because I'm looking forward to evolving as a person, kind of like a Pokémon really, and with each version understanding myself a little more and gaining more strength for the battles ahead.
The lenses in which we perceive ourselves and our world greatly impact our experience of our reality. It can either taint or nurture our past, present and future. I have found Positive Disintegration to be an important lens that I have used to make sense of my life—to make sense of me. In order to move forward in life, we not only need to choose our direction but also the narrative and soundtrack we wish to be part of our story. The Positive Disintegration podcast has been an important soundtrack I have played in my life supporting my path to authenticity.
Hello. I'm Caitlin—Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, Neurodivergent affirming therapist (who specialises in working with Autistic folks & ADHDers), researcher, podcast host, blogger and Neurodivergent myself (Autistic, ADHD, Gifted). I am currently completing my PhD with a strong interest in qualitative research in the area of Autistic mental health.
I've launched a podcast "Divergent Dialogues". Each episode a topic pertinent to Autistic folks and ADHDers is unpacked using the multidimensional theory of human development (Harms, 2021) exploring inner experiences, intersectionality and how it interacts with the environment (relationally, socially, culturally & systemically).
I also author a blog on Substack where I passionately share valuable insights, emerging trends, and research in the field of Neurodivergent affirming practice and Autism. Through my writings, I aim to foster a greater understanding and appreciation for the unique perspectives and experiences of Autistic folks.
For more information check out the links below:
Caitlin Hughes
Brisbane, Australia
Substack:
Website: https://catharticcollaborations.com.au/
Social media: @cathartic.collaborations (Instagram) (TikTok) (Facebook)
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