When it comes to romantic relationships, change in individuals is inevitable. People change, people grow, and this shifts the dynamics in any partnership. But when you're in the middle of a disintegration, it might be particularly tricky to explain what's going on to your partner.
And let's face it, if you are going through a crisis and having meltdowns, they are probably going to notice. So today, I thought I'd talk about what happens when you're having a disintegration and you're in a relationship. How can you handle it? How do you talk to them? And what is this going to mean for the both of you? I'm going to talk not only from my own experience today but also from tips that I've picked up and gleaned from others in talking to them about their experiences.
During a disintegration, your values are shifting, and in any good relationship, values can often form the basis of that bond. During a disintegration, however, when your values shift, your needs might shift. So you may go from needing comfort and ease and security and routine to now craving freedom and self-expression and time to work on yourself.
It's important that you recognize the impact the disintegration will have on both of you. Because disintegration does not happen in a bubble. Values inform much of who we are and our identities, and values are all about how we relate to other people and how we behave.
If you change, so do the dynamics in the relationship, because your values are strongly connected to any human dynamic. And as you have emotional turmoil and crisis, they are going to be impacted, too.
The disintegration is not yours alone. But before you go and bombard your partner with information, take a bit of time to think about how they might be feeling watching you go through this.
They can see you have some really hard emotions and go through some struggle, and that might be hard for them too.
They might be unsure how to relate to you because sometimes when you're going through a struggle it can make someone else feel nervous or unsure about how to approach you.
They may also be feeling left behind. So you're going on this big growth journey and they're not. Where does that leave them?
They might feel that you no longer have common ground, or they simply might be uncomfortable with change. Some people don't like change very much.
They also might be wondering what the hell is going on with you. If you're keeping to yourself a lot, or your behaviours have changed, they might mistake it for something else. They could think that you're doing something like cheating on them. So it's important to understand, if they don't know what's going on with you, they might be having a hard time, too, trying to figure out what is going on with you and adjusting to that.
You also might want to consider some of the things that they might find challenging watching you go through this.
Your opinions and your viewpoints might shift, so it might make them uncertain of how to approach you on issues.
Your focus might have switched to yourself while you deal with your things, which means your attention might not be on other things as much as it was. Your interests might have changed. Maybe you're out reading up about overexcitabilities all of a sudden.
And as you work on your own trauma, opening up your wounds can potentially open up theirs too.
The last thing I'd encourage you to think about before you go and approach them about anything is how they can best absorb information. It's best to go at it little by little in little steps. Give them an overview. Don't download everything all at once. People need time to absorb and handle information even when they're supportive and interested. A big brain dump can be hard to handle.
If you're going to send them resources, I suggest sending them simple ones. You know, high-level overviews on positive disintegration, like you can find on Wikipedia. Like a very quick read. They don't need to go into the very depths of it, and it's important for them to understand it.
The reason why I say that is because you're going to have to translate your experience for them. They're not actually going through the process, so you're going to need to convey it to them in terms that they can understand. They can't jump into your shoes or into your head, so you might have to do some legwork in describing what's going on to you in plain language in a way that they can come to terms with.
Now, when you do sit down to talk to them, the first thing I would encourage you to do is remember the way that you talk.
Slow down, remain calm, and give them time for information to be digested.
And whatever you do, go easy on the Dabrowski terms. It's easier to talk about change and growth and values than it is to start spouting about multi-level spontaneous disintegrations.
If you have needs, be very clear, specific, and simple when you're expressing them.
For example, when I was going through some issues, I would often need time to step away and process things on my own. And when I did that, I didn't just say, “oh, I need a bit of time to deal with my things!” because that's not specific. What do I mean by “I need a bit of time to go away”? Does that mean I'm leaving the house and packing up my bags?
I went with a very clear request to say “There are going to be times when I need to work on myself. I need to sort some things out in my head. So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go for a walk for about half an hour to an hour, sort out my things. And then when I come back, we can watch that movie / cook dinner / do that thing”. That's very clear, simple, and specific.
When you are speaking to them, it would also provide reassurance that the worst isn't happening. As I said before, if they're thinking that, oh, maybe you're having an affair or something, just say to them simply, “Look, I'm sorting some stuff out. I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I'm not about to pack up and leave. I'm not having an affair, but I am going through a bit of an inner crisis at the moment, and I could do with a little bit of support.”
Voice your uncertainty and your fear. Say, “I'm not quite sure what's happening, I'm still reading up on the theory, I don't quite get it, and I'm a little bit afraid too. So you're not the only one who's unsure about what's going on.”
One thing you can do when you're discussing is to confirm what hasn't changed. Invest in some quality time to do the things that you always used to do together. Whether it's going to dinner or the movies or, you know, doing a puzzle together or whatever it was you were doing before, invest in some time to do that and put some time aside. You can't be working on yourself 24-7 anyway, and you will need a break.
I would suggest
Taking frequent breaks and using some of that time to share in some activities.
Confirm what about your worldview hasn't changed, your political perspectives or your views on the environment or something else, or that family is still important to you. Make sure you express those things and remind them of the values that you still share. Family, empathy, kindness, honesty.
I would also confirm that you are still there to support them, even though it might not be at this time. So you may say something like, “Look, I really appreciate you being there for me right now, and you know that when you need me, I'll be there for you.”
And you know what you should really confirm? Confirm that you still love them.
That's one thing that hasn't changed. Because things might be a little bit different, people change and people grow, but that doesn't have to stop you loving each other.
When you are dealing with your partner and talking to them about these things, I'm going to leave you with a final list of things to keep in mind while you're having those conversations.
Recognize that their shift and their uncertainty can be just as big as yours. The disintegration isn't yours alone. They are going through a period of change too. So hold space for them and be prepared to listen as much as you talk. Ask them questions about how they're feeling about the whole thing.
It's also helpful to point out the positives of working on yourself. Sometimes disintegration seems like a real shit fight, and you're going through a lot of negative emotions. But at the end of the day, if you can sort yourself out and figure out who you are, find your authentic path, and maybe deal with some trauma along the way, it might benefit you both in the long run.
Another thing that might help you both to remember is that things will stabilise. A disintegration isn't a permanent state. It may take a long time to get through it, but you will stabilize eventually. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
At the end of the day, while things will change internally for you, not all that much will actually change in your daily life. I like to say that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and turn into a giraffe. I'm still going to be fundamentally me. Maybe the way I think about some things will change. Maybe the way I interact with people might change a little bit. But I've still got my job, and I'm still going to eat breakfast, and there's still bills to be paid, and life generally continues along as usual.
If I could give you one big tip to remember when you are talking to your partner—don't use them as your sole source of support. Get help if you need it. Talk to a therapist or someone, whether it be by yourself or together. Or use a trusted friend. Because you're in a really vulnerable place right now, and you're going to need to talk a lot, but you can't expect them to be everything to you.
They can't be your partner, and your therapist, and get you through this entire process on their own. Particularly not when they're going through a shift, too. So if you can find other people to confide in and to help you through this process, I would suggest that you do it.
A big tip: if you are going to spend time confiding in someone else, be honest and transparent with your partner about what you're doing. The last thing you need is unfounded suspicion and jealousy in your relationship because you're suddenly off having cups of coffee with someone else. So, be open about what it is you're doing, who it is you're talking to, and why you need to talk to them.
Hopefully, all those points will help you get through a reasonably sticky period in your life. But navigating this stuff doesn't always end up perfectly, and there might be times when things go wrong. So I'm going to leave you with a list of pointers and considerations that I've gathered from around the place to help you when things are going a little bit pear-shaped.
It's good to bear in mind that not everybody likes change. Some people find it disruptive, and they won't always react well to it. If things are going wrong, it may be time for you to both talk about the expectation of what a relationship looks like and your definitions around it.
Particularly when you're married, there might be certain expectations that your partner or you have of how you're supposed to interact with each other or what role you're supposed to play in the house. It's really good to sit down and say, listen, how do you think I should behave as your partner? And what role do you think that you play in all this?
Definitely keep an eye out for unhealthy behaviors in both yourself and them. If you're being secretive and reclusive, that can be unhealthy for the relationship. Likewise, if they're getting angry or they're gaslighting you, or potentially getting abusive, I would be on the lookout for those red flags.
Obviously, the big point and the last one that I've got, is to consider whether both of you need some external help or advice. It may be time to get some marriage counselling, and as much as people think that that's an admission of defeat, I don't see it that way. I see it as a willingness to try and make it work.
But look, after all that, take hope. If your relationship is healthy and it's based on love and mutual support, you can both get through this together. It's a little bit like a disintegration or a dark night of the soul for the relationship itself, as much as it is for you. At the time, everything seems bleak, and it seems shit, and you don't think anything's going to come good again. However, with little steps and a little bit of work, you can weather this storm together. You can have your authenticity cake and eat it, too, with your partner.
And some good things might come out of this. They might appreciate your vulnerability and your bravery, and they might admire your strength for getting through all this. And at the end, they might see the new, authentic, happy you and think you're one hell of a sexy beast.
You never know—one day, you might have to repay them the favor and help them while they go through their own disintegration. But the beautiful thing is, if you get through it, your relationship will be as self-determined and as hard-won as your own personal growth. It will make you both far more aware of all the dynamics in your relationship, and you might find that it improves things in the long run. It might make you both stronger, more open in your communication, and more resilient to changes in the future. And that means that, just like you, your relationship will be all the more authentic.
If you've got advice, share it not just with me but with anyone else who this video could possibly help. And together, just like any good relationship, we might be able to find a little bit more happiness.
Here’s the video version of this post on YouTube: